FATIGUE

Fatigue – that pervasive feeling that dominates all aspects of life when you’re the parent of little people.

You’ve forgotten what it’s like to breastfeed 2 to 3 to 4 times a night, changing nappies in between. You covet Sean’s snores. You lay sleeping beauty down, swaddled and satisfied. You begin to drift into oblivion. And just then when you see it within your grasp – the ever prized SLEEP – the alarm goes off. You’re startled – “really!” You stumble out of bed, tripping over the talking train. “Are you still there?” It asks over and over again.

You scramble to get the kids up for school.

You drink your second coffee for the morning and still you can’t shake it off. It grips you and pulls you down – from your eyelids to your bottom, everything going south. Now you’re looking for somewhere to sit so you can hold your head up. You read the ingredients on the container for the umpteenth time this week – and you’re convinced. This is all a ploy to get people like you to buy the stuff. They say it contains caffeine which is a supposed stimulant. Only you’re not stimulated. You’re in a vegetative state – groaning, waiting for the darn thing to work and wake you up!!!!

It doesn’t and you know it’s all a lie – make believe like your daughters fairy tales. Your lips gave that coffee true loves Kiss and everything is still not ok. The adventure has not ended. It continues as Tal spills cereal on her school shirt. Zaza screams “mine” running from Ellie who lunges foreword to grab or slap. Baby cries for her change. Sean walks in on que “we’re leaving in 5!!!”

It’s all a blur. It’s motherhood on the rougher days when family life is not tinted in hues of pink and gold.

My Bursting Heart

I didn’t know how much your heart could grow to over flowing with the feeling that you are blessed beyond measure.

First – it’s the birth of this little one – Tey. The first sight of her, her first breath, her cry is like an explosion of emotion. And then you realize that that emotion is love. The fierce sheer strength of it and your tears flow because you don’t know what else to do. You take her in your arms and praise God for what He has given you. You know that someone this precious could only have come from His hand!!!!

And then you see your brood of little ones – all 3 of them: Tal, Ellie and Zaza gather around their sister and scream and laugh and coo in the wonderment of “babeeeeeee” as they clamber to touch her. Your heart grows bigger and bigger. It’s so full. And you say to your husband as you point to each of them “that one is ours and that one is ours and…and….” – four times. And then it’s bursting again- all the emotion flowing in tears.

And then you’re so blessed by the people that swirl around you – the ones who rejoice with you because your new little one is “theirs too”. They rejoice because a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, her birth has brought joy to them. They love her already!!!!! And they love you and you husband and your mighty brood. And you feel so secure, so touched you, so full – it’s overwhelming, that support and love.

Then the blessings, prayers, well wishes and gifts pour in. The meals arrive at your home, the thoughtful helpfulness, all to care for your family. All this while you nest and recover and bond, cloistered – hidden in all the love.

And you think back to your birth and know that only the hand of God could have done all of this. From the awesome medical team to every last gift. And you realize that it’s Him, it’s His grace and love shown through all of this. Then there it goes again, your heart grows full, bursting as you perceive it all.

Baruch HaShem!!!!

Mumziboo – That’s me!

Mumziboo – that’s me, written by a mum of 4 little girls who is married to an awesome guy. All my tutus are under the age of 8. Tal is 7, Ellie is 4, Zaza is 2 and Tey  is a wee bairn of 4 days old. This is my journal, tribute, moment, downtime, cry time and whatever shape or form this blog may take.

It was before the birth of Tey and shortly after Sean and I decided that I would quit my legal practice and stay home to raise our brood, that it hit me. I realized that this was me. Being an attorney never defined me- it was my profession for a large part of my life, being a dancer was not me – it was something I did and loved. Being a cake baker or pottery maker or whatever I engaged in with great gusto, shaped my identity, sure, but it was not intrinsically me.

Motherhood is different though. At least it is to me. I can’t separate my self from it. It’s not a department in my life, a time when I am scheduled to do it. It’s not me practicing my talents or enhancing my skills. No, its what I’ve evolved into. Everything else that is me is still there. My heart, my personality, my natural abilities, strengths and weaknesses together with my core values are still there. All of it  – only now, its become a mama bear. And it’s amazing and weird at the same time – because “me”, my life, has through motherhood, extended into the lives of 4 others. They are an extension of “me” – and that will never change.

Any mum out there will agree with me – it’s a hair raising roller coaster. And I’ve decided – amidst the exhaustion, messy house, incessant worry, cost of living and school fees – I am going to hold tight and enjoy the ride!!!!!!

Chat soon!!!!